I Kept Myself Busy So I Didn’t Have to Feel

I have discovered something deeply inconvenient. Apparently, you cannot just keep yourself permanently busy until all your problems get bored and leave.

Rude, really.

I am very good at doing. Writing books, building websites, fixing things, helping people and researching things nobody asked me to research.

And if life feels difficult? Excellent. I shall simply find more work.

Because if my brain is busy, it cannot wander off into the dark cupboard where all the uncomfortable thoughts live. Or so I thought.

Busy Can Look Like Coping

Productivity looks brilliant from the outside. You are getting things done, you are useful and you are moving forward.

Nobody looks at someone working flat out and thinks, “Ah yes. Classic avoidance.”

But sometimes that is exactly what it is. Work can become a very respectable hiding place.

You are not thinking about what hurts. You are making another book cover.

Same avoidance. Much better stationery.

Then There Is the Attachment Bit

My therapist has assessed me as having an avoidant attachment pattern, which annoyingly explains quite a lot.

When things get emotionally uncomfortable, my first instinct is not always, “I need help.” It is more likely to be, “Excellent. I shall build a website.”

Or write a book. Or fix somebody else's problem.

Avoidant attachment does not mean you do not care about people. Sometimes it simply means relying on yourself feels safer than relying on somebody else.

Self-reliance is a strength, until it quietly becomes: I must cope with everything myself. Sometimes independence is also armour.

Overgiving Is Another Excellent Distraction

If somebody has a problem, part of my brain immediately goes, “Excellent. A project.”

I listen, I help, I research and I try to fix. There is nothing wrong with caring about people, but there is a difference between helping someone and loading their entire emotional suitcase into your own boot.

Eventually, the car gets a bit bloody heavy.

And if I am busy solving somebody else's problems, I do not have to look too closely at mine. Very efficient. Until it isn't.

Then the Body Says No

You can tell yourself you are fine and that you will rest tomorrow. Meanwhile, your nervous system is sitting in the corner with a clipboard.

Eventually it says: No.

Concentration disappears, small jobs feel enormous and everything irritates you. Even deciding what to have for dinner can suddenly feel like an administrative task requiring three forms of identification.

That is usually when I realise I may have slightly overdone things. Again.

Burnout Is Not Always About Work

Sometimes the work is not the problem. Sometimes the work is the distraction.

Stress, pain, fear, loneliness, responsibility, other people's problems and your own problems can all sit quietly underneath the busyness.

Keeping busy can hold all of that at arm's length for a while. You are not avoiding, you are productive. You are not overwhelmed, you are busy.

Until your brain or body decides otherwise.

Eventually, the brain wants its meeting, and unfortunately it does not accept: “Can we reschedule for next Thursday?”

Apparently Rest Counts Too

I am not naturally gifted at resting. My version of relaxing has often looked suspiciously like starting another project while sitting down.

Apparently that does not count.

Real rest means not fixing, helping, researching or achieving anything for a while. Just existing a bit without turning it into another task.

Horrifying concept, but necessary.

I am learning the difference between working because I love what I am doing and working because stopping would mean feeling something I do not particularly fancy feeling.

I am also learning that being independent does not mean doing absolutely everything alone. Helping people does not mean carrying them, and rest is not something you earn only after completely exhausting yourself.

So when the brain finally throws up the OUT OF ORDER sign, perhaps the answer is not WD-40, caffeine and another project.

Perhaps it is proper, annoying, boring, necessary rest.

The work will still be there afterwards.

And hopefully, so will I.

Read further

The Girl Who Split To Survive

This raw memoir explores trauma, survival and the extraordinary ways a mind learns to protect itself—including the armour we carry long after the original danger has passed.

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